Ugh...frustrated

I feel like crap.  I have been feeling under the weather for the past 2 weeks, been on 2 different doses of antibiotics and still not feeling good.  My eating and exercising have sucked too.  I'm sure everything all together is not helping the way I feel, and it's frustrating :(  I'm frustrated with myself.  I don't feel like myself, I have low energy and all I want to do is EAT.  I feel bad for my daughter - I didn't even have the energy to take her for a walk or play in the park this weekend - bad mama!  Thankfully she enjoys a lot of indoor activities too, but it's still not the same.

Yesterday I made myself meal prep and so far today I've been doing well with my eating.  But I do have a little guy on my shoulder whispering the words...'chocolate chocolate' in my ear.  GO AWAY dammit.  I need to feel better and chocolate won't be the cure (or at least not the long term cure).  Sigh...I remember saying to my boss one day (also a single parent) - I don't know how you do it.  And she said it's all good as long as nobody gets sick.  If that happens, then it's basically like a car accident and takes a while to get back up again.  I can definitely relate these days.  Here's hoping I will be on the mend soon - if not, it's back to the Dr I go. 



Balance

I struggled this past week to find balance.  Balancing clean eating with a busy schedule of raising a toddler, working full time and trying to incorporate some socializing/dating can be a challenge!  Last week there was wine, chocolate dipped strawberries, birthday cake, bbq'd hotdogs...the list goes on.  I did my best to balance it all out with being active and sharing everything but I have to be honest I'm a bit afraid to get on the scale.  I'm not going to let this dictate a shift in my lifestyle though.  I know that I will have busy weeks like this again and that is life!  I'm ok with that and just have to pick up where I left off and press on.  First 'to do' - grocery shop from some fresh items.  I didn't even have time to do that on the weekend! 

 



Hungry!

For some reason these past two days I have been quite hungry in between my meals.  So the big question - do I eat or pre-occupy myself with other things in hopes of it going away?  I did have a cheat day on the weekend, so perhaps that's why or it could also be that I'm burning more calories with incorporating more runs into my schedule?  Either way I am HUNGRY.  I know that is often a question about exercise - do you eat back your calories like My Fitness Pal suggests?  Skinny Meg recommended to try eating back half. I think I will see what the scale says this week and then play with my calories as necessary. 

Do you ever feel this way?

So I've lost 12 pounds - not a lot, but I've hit my 'magic number' as I mentioned before, where I go from fat to chubby and people start to notice me more.  My boss said I looked skinny today - ha!

I feel more confident, happy with my body and overall just GOOD!  So here is my question - does this make you want to stop and return to your 'old habits'?  I hate to admit it but that has happened to me a number of times over the years.  I think I get to the point where I think I look ok and I start to treat myself a bit more and then a bit more and then before you know it I'm back up 10 pounds or more.  I'm really trying to be in this for the long haul aka FOREVER so I am trying really hard to stay on plan and focused on exercising and my eating.  Because my magic number is still over 200 lbs and that's not healthy.  I need to keep moving and working on getting that number down.  For me first, for my daughter, my health and dammit for my skinny jeans!  I WILL GET THERE no matter how long it takes.  175 I see you and I'm coming to get you :-) 

 

my favourite...

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Learning to Run

I am trying to run.  I long to be 'fit enough' to run carelessly and easily through the trails of our city.  I've been trying to get out 3 times a week at least and whenever I see the groups of runners or those that seem to do it so easily I get excited when I think that could be me one day.  I NEVER thought I would say that.  I hate exercise but for some reason the sun, beautiful weather at lunch time and just the fresh air has been a great combo for me.  It's stress relieving, it makes me feel good physically (well maybe not the next day when I'm stiff) and I think it's helping me shed some weight. My goal for now is to be able to run a 5K.  I have a ways to go.  Today I ran for about 2K but I did do 5K total.  I used to be the type that focused on time exercising and now I'm focusing on distance.  I'm not sure if one is better than the other but I feel like I'm accomplishing something cool!  And I downloaded the app - Runkeeper which tracks your pace, distance, time and calories burned.  It's neat to see how well you did at the end.  And something I noticed today - running without a stroller to push makes you twice as fast!  HA - go figure. 

My only concern is - what to do when the weather changes :(  I suppose the treadmill will be the answer...which means a gym membership.  I'm up for it but I do hope the warm weather lasts as outside is far more enjoyable.

Now if only I could disguise my tomato face after

PS Getting close to 'onderland' eeeeep :-) 

To Shop or Not To Shop

A change of seasons is upon us and I love to refresh my wardrobe this time of year.  But now that I'm seeing action on the scale (the right kind of action - ha) I debate about buying many things or just holding off.  I think I will be strategic in my purchases and maybe only by things that have stretch or fit on the smaller side for now...or are on sale :) 

Here are a few of my 'wants' for the fall:

 

Leather patch leggings - obsessed with these

 

 Boyfriend Blazer

 

 Sequin Skirt

People are starting to notice!

I had a great long weekend and was sad to see it come to an end :(  The weather was amazing (finally) and we took advantage of it - lots of runs/walks, BBQs and just being outside.  My child LOVES the outdoors and running free.  I sometimes wonder if it's because we live in a condo with no backyard!  Ah well, that's all mommy can manage for now!

I had a friend in town for the weekend and met up with her and my BFF Friday night.  I saw her 3 weeks ago, but she immediatiely commented how 'skinny' I look and asked what I'd been doing.  I couldn't help but laugh as I'm far from skinny and she is indeed SKINNY (like 5'10 and a size 8).  But I took the compliment and explained a bit about my new lifestyle.  My BFF asked me how much I had lost, and when I said 10 pounds they both said it looked like more than that.  I was surprised to hear that 1 - they had even noticed and 2 - that they said it looked like more than 10 pounds.  My only explanation is that perhaps I'm less bloated as I'm not eating much as far as processed foods go and my salt intake is also quite low for the same reasons.  Or...maybe they are just blowing fluff up my butt as my clothes pre-pregnancy are still not fitting great.  And the scale is still up 5 pounds from then as well. 

I also think I have a 'magic' number, where once I hit it, I no longer look fat and just chubby lol.  More people start to notice I've lost weight when I hit this number and other people start to notice me.  I get more looks from men and people are far more friendly!  I've always wondered if it is because I become more attractive or is it because I'm more happy with myself and that comes out as confidence?  Perhaps a bit of both?  Nonetheless I'm feeling good and plan to stay consistent and embrace my new lifestyle!

 

 

 

 

And remember...

 

 

(or just find your 'magic' number)

Dating and my new lifestyle

Yep, I'm single so that means dating or...trying to find someone worth meeting for coffee or a drink or even dinner!  And with that comes the stress of balancing eating clean with eating/drinking out.  At the moment I am just starting to try dating again, so I've only met a couple guys but I know inevitably (and hopefully!) there will come a time when dating will mean juggling the healthy eating with entertainment!  I don't want to look like the prude who always says no to popcorn or always says no to dessert or a second glass of wine, but I think I really need to work on balance.  I need to enjoy the date, but know my limits and what it's going to take to exercise those calories off later!  And I also need to remember that a taste of dessert or a handful of popcorn isn't going to blow me up and make me gain 10 pounds :)  And perhaps I can even train myself to enjoy just a taste?!? 

It is nice to be open on a date about trying to be healthy - I find that is important to me to find someone likeminded.  I think it encourages me to stay focused and it's nice to see if we have something in common! 

 (this is usually the case)

 

 (haha - this was me yesterday!)

 

(I hope it never comes to this!)

Result!

Weigh in today and I am happy to report that I am down another 2 pounds!  Amazing what sleep on the weekend and eating well can do :)  I came down with a cold and haven't been able to workout, but I've been wearing my fitbit and making sure to get in my 10000 steps each day which is something! 

Whenever I see movement on the scale, I get motivated and start to plan out my goals and when I might reach them.  20 lbs by Thanksgiving, goal by Christmas, etc.  But I really am trying to come at this from a different angle so that I'm not disappointed when I don't meet those expectations.  Inevitably I give up when that happens.  I want this journey to be a lifestyle change and not just a diet.  I still have goals and expectations, but I'm trying to continue to take this one day at a time.  I'm not weighing every day and I'm not beating myself up if I have a cheat here and there.  I understand that celebrations and emotional days come up and that's ok.  Sure the weightloss may be slower but I'm hoping it will stay off for good and I will actually learn some new things in the process. 

Lack of sleep = no weight loss for this momma

Being a single parent (with no help from the ex), I am constantly juggling my schedule and at my daughter's beck and call basically.  From the time she wakes up to the time she finally falls asleep (aside from daycare) I am there for her 110%....and even during the night, which means this momma is often sleep deprived.  And lately I have noticed a correlation to lack of sleep and zero weightloss. 

This week has been one of those times.  I've been exercising, eating clean, drinking my water, upping my protein, varying my calories (high and low days) but the scale has not been my friend.   Enter sleep deprivation - I've been lucky if I've clocked 5 hours of sleep on a few nights and they are often broken up sleeps, having to tend to my daughter or falling asleep in her bed and then waking up to move to mine (yes, I lay with her til she falls asleep - I just got her in her own bed after a year of sleeping with me so this is progress!), or hearing the dog gag, or the people upstairs gettin' busy...ya get my drift - I am definitely not getting the recommended 7-8 hours lately and it shows on the scale!  And I feel tired and icky in the mornings.  I am hoping I can make up for the lack of sleep this weekend, but sleep is just one of those things as a parent that can vary greatly.  I'm not sure how else to mend this, except hope that my body will adjust?!?!? 

 

 

 

 

Smoothieeeessss

I hope you had a great weekend! Mine was a quiet one, other than chasing a toddler around a park in a white dress trying to get her two year old photos taken :)  Fingers crossed at least one turned out and they can photoshop dirt out of her dress!  Otherwise, it was just a lot of outside play, singing songs, watching Dora, Elmo, or Mickey Mouse and running errands. 

One 'non toddler' thing I did do over the weekend was experiment with smoothies.  I do enjoy a smoothie in the morning.  It's become an easy way for me to get in an extra meal, it's tasty and seems to satisfy my craving for something sweet.  I tried two new variations this weekend that I thought were DELISH and wanted to share:

Peanut Butter Heaven
1 frozen banana
1 tbls natural (chunky if you can find it) peanut butter
3/4 cup non fat plain greek yogurt
1.5 cups of unsweetened almond milk
1/2 tsp vanilla
4-5 ice cubes

Cocoa-rific (yes I made these names up, I'm so creative)
1 frozen banana
1 tbls unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 package vanilla stevia
1/2 tsp vanilla
3/4 cup of non fat plain greek yogurt
1 cup of unsweetened almond milk
4-5 ice cubes

They both totally hit the spot and made me want more!  I use a magic bullet to blend mine, but any higher powered blender should work, as long as it crushes ice.  Enjoy!

Big Girl Panties

So...my underwear are falling off of me today, which is a good thing because that means I'm getting smaller (yay) but it also means that I have to go around all day trying to discretely pull them up as I walk.  And of course I'm wearing a dress! 

For them to be falling off means that I have lost a few pounds - 7 actually :)  To be honest, I'm a bit surprised that I can tell already as I usually don't see it in my clothes until I've lost at least 10.  I can feel it if I gain 5 though - typical!  And I find that my size of clothes doesn't go down until I've lost 15 or so.  I wonder if that will change as I get smaller?  My mom for example is much smaller than me on the bottom...well, she's smaller everywhere but really small on the bottom (size 8) and if she loses 5 pounds her pants are baggy in the butt.  Me - not so much.  But I imagine 5 pounds on someone who is 150 pounds is significant.

Back to the 7 pound loss...

 

7 lbs gone is crazy for me since I've really been struggling to see any loss on the scale these last few months.  Not because I haven't been trying, for whatever reason it just would not move.  I tried droppin my calories, then dropping carbs, adding more protein, taking out fruit - tried it all!!  I had bloodwork done and everything was normal so eventually my doc and I narrowed it down to stress.  I have had a lot of stress in my life the last 9 months or so and it's still there but on a smaller level.  Or...maybe I'm just handling things better.  I still have situational stress, where something comes up and I freak out momentarily, but the overhanging of major stress is lessening.  So maybe that's it! 

 

Regardless, I am feeling better and it is so nice to see that damn scale move down.  They say we shouldn't go by the scale as it may not cooperate all the time but for someone who is over 200 lbs that scale has no reason not to move, especially when you are doing everything right.  I can only hope that as I continue to eat well and exercise that the scale will continue to be my friend. 

 

 

  Been there!

 

 

 



Exercise

I have been trying to do some form of exercise daily.  At first I was aspiring to be like all of the Jamie Eason trainers out there, but then reality hit home.  At the moment, a gym membership is not an option and it's summer - why not just be outside and enjoy the warm (ish) weather.  I have been walking/learning to run during my lunch breaks and when I can't do that I will either walk with my daughter in the evening or dance or chase each other in the condo until my Fitbit hits 10000 steps :)  It seems to be working, I feel like I have more energy and can do things faster.  The scale (which I try not to look at often), it is slowly moving down. 

I still do aspire to train and 'lift heavy' like so many other women are doing these days.  It's all over facebook and instagram that lifting heavy and eating clean will get you great results.  My goal is to do this.  What do I need to do to get there?

Cost and Schedule
Find the means to afford a monthly gym membership that fits within my tight schedule (no babysitting and daycare closes at 5:45).

Get below 200lbs
I would ideally like to get below 200 first, just by diet and exercise as I'm nervous weight lifting will slow me down or initially make me gain.  I'm too close to my starting weight to bounce back up 5 pounds - it would discourage me.

Be Brave
AND this one is probably the biggest - I need to get over being nervous about going to a gym.  I don't want people to look at me using the weights and think 'you don't belong'.  I know it's silly, but I almost feel like a gym is for a group of 'kids' that just aren't like me.  They are like the cool kids in school.  You want to belong but can't quite get up the nerve to join in. 

Now, I have been a member at gyms in the past - most of my adult life actually, but most of those have been very large and often ladies only.  For some reason that makes it less intimidating.  But the gym that I am looking at happens to be in my office building and it's small, and co-ed, and co-workers go there, and it's a fortune.  But it happens to be the only option for me given my tight schedule.  I can go at lunch or right after work.  So at the moment, I'm trying to convince another coworker to go with me.  At least a buddy would calm my nerves!! 

Anyone else have those fears?

Food Addiction

Sorry for the hiatus - I do hope to post more often.  Much like this lifestyle change I am trying to embark upon, everything takes effort and sometimes things fall through the cracks!  One day at a time is my motto these days.

Back to my desire to post today...

I was reading a blog I frequent Fat Chick 2 Fit Chick and she openly talked about her food addiction.  Food addiction - 2 words no one likes to talk about.  Well, perhaps it's the one word that makes it seem taboo or bad - ADDICTION.  There is nothing positive about that word.  We usually relate it to drugs, cigarettes or alcohol.  Honestly I think it's worse.  We have to eat food, we can't banish it from our lives completely like drugs.  It's a constant daily struggle for many to resist the temptations and addiction. 

How do I know this?  Well I too have a food addiction.  From obsessing over junk food when it's in the house, to not being able to walk past the candy aisle without picking something up (yes, I have a sweet tooth).  Seriously - I usually try to completely avoid that aisle or some days even avoid the store as I know the addiction and craving will get the best of me.  Some people say, get it out of your system and then you'll feel better.  Sometimes that works but other times it's like a junk food roller coaster ride and before you know it, I'm in bed with flu-like symptoms from eating too much sugar.  Or, the 'eating bad' lasts for days...a little bit here a little bit there.  And then

I'm up 3 pounds.  Damn sugar is EVIL for weight loss.  Turns straight to fat I hear (and believe). 

I'm curious to hear what others think of food addiction and what they do that works for them.  Has anyone tried counselling?  Food addiction annonymous? Any tips to share? I'd imagine if I tried counselling, they would just try to target why I turn to food.  That I know - it's the emotions - food makes me feel better.  Well, junk food.  When I'm stressed or tired or bored or even wanting to celebrate a Friday for example, a sweet treat is the answer!  I need to shift my way of thinking...maybe counselling would help.  Or perhaps even just expressing my feelings here in the blog world :) 

I will leave you on a lighter note - some of my diet lifestyle change eating has lead me to a few yummy treats (yes I try to eat natural and unprocessed, but these are great in a pinch):

LUNA Bar - Caramel Nut Brownie is AMAZING.  It tastes just like a brownie and the caramel is awesome.  I will have one as a dessert.

 

The Simply Protein Bar is a great snack with high protein, low calories and low sugar and zero yucky sugar alcohols.  I stumbled upon a box of these at Costco (under $20 for 12) and they are quite tasty and they really do help with the hunger.  Even more so than the Luna Bar - I bet it's the protein.  I will often have one of these for my morning snack and it keeps me going well into lunch time.   

The other bar I'm dying to try, but am struggling to find in Canada are the coveted Quest Bars. They are supposedly amazing but I have yet to find any local.  It looks like I can get them online, but the shipping is by the box (same flavour).  I was hoping to try a sample of a few flavours first. Anyone know where to find some? 

 

 

 

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Goals

This is my very first post so I thought it should be something meaningful.  The blog is based on getting to be my 'best' self for me and my daughter so I thought I would post my goals. 

1. To be in a healthy weight category, which for me (5'10) is between 137 - 174lbs.  That means I need to drop at least 36 lbs. 

2. To feel fit - no 'out of breath' feeling when running up the stairs or lifting my daughter for long periods of time (she's 2). 

3. To fit into Lulu's (lululemon) and look great in them! 

4.  To feel TALL, but not big.

5.  To eat clean as close to 100% as possible.

6.  To get some form of exercise daily, even if it's only walking.